Amadon DellErba discusses “The Pursuit to Balanced Masculinity.”
Part one of a two-part podcast. Part II will be released as Episode 5.
In this episode, Amadon poses questions many men ask themselves about identity and masculinity. “What is it to be manly?”
Balanced masculinity is a near constant pursuit for men of all ages. Amadon discusses the lack of balanced men in this world, encouraging them not to fear being truly manly. He talks about absolute thinking guiding men on their path towards self-mastery and self-control.
Amadon talks about the need for men to become more wise and loving guides for their children, especially their sons. He emphasizes the recognition and respect of women and femininity, including honoring male sensitivity.
Men need to be willing to set boundaries. Real men have friends, but they also have enemies; a consequence to being willing to stand for truth and personal ideals.
Men today are afraid to be decisive. They're afraid to make statements of absolute truth. Everything is kind of maybe sorta, we'll see. They don't say yes. No. That's wrong. That's right. They say, eh, kinda. It's okay. It's all good. Whatever you think, whatever works for you, it's okay. It's not always the case. Embrace absolutes.
“Nothing You Do Matters Unless What You Do Matters”
I’m Amadon DellErba and this is “Get Real or Die Trying”
Hello tribe. This is Amadon DellErba. This is my podcast: Get Real or Die Trying. “Nothing You Do Matters Unless What You Do Matters.” This is Episode 4 titled “The Pursuit to Balanced Masculinity.” I wanted to talk about this subject because it's a very large and very important subject—masculinity, balanced masculinity—questions that many of us ask ourselves, us men. What is it to be a man? What is it to be manly? What are manly qualities? How can I become more manly? Questions that I personally ask myself. I think anyone who's consciously trying to grow spiritually, trying to grow emotionally and socially in their life, they ask themselves these questions.
I was inspired to talk about this because I had the blessing of being a part of a school team meeting about raising 10 and 11 year old boys and how we can offer them insight and spiritual wisdom in becoming young men, and men. And I myself learned a lot from listening to so many people and I was inspired to talk about this because it's actually been something I've talked about for many years: the need for men in this world. The need for balanced men, the need for godly men, men who have spiritual morality, who have integrity, who have honor, who have principle, who have respect. Respect for creation, respect for women, respect for values, respect for everything. It's sad because, in my opinion, today there's a lack of men—true balanced men—in this world, and it's actually being promoted to be imbalanced. And so the title of my podcast here, “The Pursuit to Balanced Masculinity” is about the realization that we as men have to unlearn and learn what it is to be a balanced man.
I say “the pursuit” because it's something we are constantly in pursuit of. Doesn't matter how old you are, whether you're a young man, 18 years old, trying to figure out things and be a man. Or you're a 55 year old man trying to figure out and unlearn all of the archaic, chauvinist, patriarchal wrong concepts, macho-ism concepts that you were taught by your father, or your uncles, or society about what it is to be a man.
I say pursuit also because my father, since I was a young, young boy, three years old even, he always talked to me like I was older. He always used concepts and ideas and values and different things that were well beyond my years. So if I was five years old, he talked to me like how he would talk to a 15 year old young man. When I was 15 he talked to me how you would talk to a 25 year old man. And he taught me these concepts of what it is to be a man. And in my little heart, in my little mind as a 10 year old boy, I was constantly in pursuit of something higher. He spoke to me, and still does to this day, and helps me to learn what it is to be a balanced spiritual man.
The whole idea and the whole concept of my podcast is the pursuit to self mastery; mastering the self. To me that's one of the biggest concepts in being a man, being a godly man, is the mastery of oneself. I personally have a lot to learn in this area and I'm trying to learn the best I can every day. I have a lot to learn in mastering myself. I have a lot to learn in being a balanced man.
Some of the best teachers in my life, besides my father and other balanced men, are women: are my sisters, are my mothers, are my aunts, is my daughter, is other women in my life, my friends. And I think one separation of a mature man is the willingness and the ability to want to be a good listener and to listen to the different perspectives of other people, and especially women in their lives. Something I fail at every day, but something I'm willing and trying to overcome, and learning.
I say “the pursuit” also because it is a pursuit to continually get up every day and learn. And to pretend like you suddenly reached divine masculinity, and that you've reached some enlightenment as a ‘divine man’ is really silly. It takes daily practice. It takes failure; to look back to understand why you made mistakes, how you made the mistakes, it takes humility and it takes courage to be a true man. What I've learned from the women in my life has really taught me to redefine what it is to be manly, and it's taught me that I have a lot of false concepts. And not false concepts that I've picked up from the way I was raised, because I was one of the few men who was raised with a balanced father figure, which I'm so blessed for. Gabriel of Urantia is my father and he raised me right; and he was a strong father, he was a loving father, he was a gentle father, but he set high standards and he taught me how to be a loving, strong man, which I'm still in pursuit of each and every day of my life. But he set the standards and he set the path and the pursuit to grow into a balanced spiritual man; something that is so lacking in millions of men on this planet.
I've often said to my wife, one of the biggest tragedies of the entire planet is the lack of good fathers because it perpetuates the wrong raising of men continually, and continually, and continually. And so men are not raised right. They don't have the right values. They have wrong concepts of what it is to be a man. Being macho is not being manly. Being strong, being aggressive, being angry, dominating the weak—these are all things that we think it is to be manly—not showing emotion, being stoic, being, you know, what we consider “strong” is not always actually strong. Strength is often vulnerability. Strength is willing to be vulnerable. Strength is willing to be in a place of not knowing. Strength is being a compassionate and good listener; something I'm learning every day. Strength is being selfless. Strength as a man; is being willing to set aside my own personal desires—my own agenda—for the agenda of somebody else. Strength in a man is being a protector. Strength in a man is being somebody who cares more about somebody else's well being than their own. It's actually quite simple—the concept—but very hard to execute.
Men of Valor, men of honor, men of courage throughout time have put others first. They put their selves, their bodies, their souls, their minds and their hearts on the line to protect and serve others. And their legacy, and their respect, and who they are is remembered in time because of those actions. Not because of their muscles, not because of their looks, not because they can puff their chest out and act like they're macho. Not because of their mouth and their words, but because of their actions.
Another huge tragedy of men today is just the abuse of women. It's becoming so intolerable to me. And I'm not perfect myself, but I'm trying, and that perhaps is the one key point that may separate me from Joe Blow down the street. He's not even trying. He's not even enlightened and aware that he needs to change the way he thinks about women. I'm aware and I try to be aware, and thankfully—due to my wife, to my sisters, to my mother, to my elders, to my father, to my associates around me—I am made aware every day how the chauvinistic thinking can creep into my reality, can creep into my being. When you're a strong alpha man it's very easy to pass into an area, and to pass thresholds of conduct that are not correct. It's easy to control, and to use force, and to use aggression, and to use your strength and your ability in a wrong way.
What keeps a good man, and a spiritual man, and a godly man in check is his love; is his humility, and his consciousness, and his awareness that he needs to be in check. That, again, relates to “the pursuit”. It's not something that you just have an a-ha moment and then you never again have to try. It's something that you go through every single day. You wake up and you catch yourself throughout the day; you realign and you adjust.
Another huge mistake, what I consider another tragedy of men today, is the weakening of men and the general acceptance of weak men in media, in our society, in language. Men today are afraid to be decisive; they're afraid to make statements of absolute truth. Everything is “kind of...maybe...sort of...we'll see.” They don't say “yes”, “no”, “wrong”, “that's right”. They say, “uh, kinda...it's okay...it's all good. Whatever you think and what works for you, it's okay.” It's not always the case. Embrace absolutes. Everything's not okay. Be a man. Have courage. Draw the line. Protect the people around you. Don't fall into the trap that you don't want to ruffle any feathers. Don't speak in some monotone voice and like this and be “okay and it's cool, and you know, you're everybody's friend.” A man isn't everybody's friend. A man is not everybody's friend. A man has comrades, a man has spiritual comrades. A man does have friends, but a real man has enemies. A real man has people who disagree with him because he stands for truth. He stands for ideals. He has a purpose-driven life.
That causes separation, unfortunately. If I don't have enemies, if I don't have people who disagree with me and are coming against me and what I believe, and the life I live, then I'm living a weak life. If you don't have enemies, you're probably living a weak life. If “everything's okay” and “everything goes”, you don't have any absolutes, you don't have any boundaries, you don't have any ideals in your life that create those separations. Ideally in a spiritual context, there wouldn't be separations because people would have the consciousness to agree with you. But let me explain to you the separations I'm talking about.
If a man thinks it's okay to be disrespectful to a woman and treat her like a sexual object, or like less than she is, and abuse her; and I say that's not okay—that's not okay in my life, and it's not okay that you treat that woman like that—that's a separation. That other man thinks it's okay. I draw the line. There's a separation right there. He can't be in my presence. He can't be in my wife's presence, my sister's presence, my children's presence, my friend's presence, my family's presence. Really anytime, anywhere that I am, I'm not going to accept that. That's a separation. Have the courage to be that way. Protect your mother. Protect your sister. Protect your children. Stop being weak. Weak men don't achieve greatness. What is a strong man? It's a question that I ask myself every day.
A strong man is willing to fail. A strong man is willing to try new things. A strong man is willing to pick up something that he can't pick up because it's heavier than he has the strength to pick up. What do I mean by that? He has the courage to try. A lot of men don't even try things because they know they can't succeed, or they think they can't succeed, so they stay small, they stay weak, they stay mediocre. They stay in the simple confines of the safety nets of their mind and their heart and their consciousness instead of branching out. They don't have the courageous thoughts, the courageous heart, and the willingness to burst through and try something great. So a strong man is willing to attempt things outside of what he thinks he can actually achieve. Think about that. Most men stay small because they only do what they know they can conquer.
Innately within the psyche of men—in the particle reality of men, in the genetics of men—we attempt things that we know we have a chance of conquering, of controlling, of succeeding in. That's why men prey upon weakness. They prey upon weaker men. They prey upon women. They prey upon things that they perceive to be weaker. I’m not saying women are weaker. But men make the mistake of assuming that they can only control things that they think they can control. But they can actually control much more by the valiant attempt and pursuit to be greater than they are.
And what I mean by control is not controlling other people; controlling themselves. Controlling myself is the hardest thing I've ever done. I mean that. I’ve broken bones, I’ve broken my heart, I've broken my mind. I’ve crushed my soul from lack of self control, lack of self mastery, lack of awareness, and the realization of my own limitations. That may seem contradictory to what I just said about pursuing things outside of your own limitations, and that's where humility comes into the picture. That's where spiritized thinking comes into the picture to balance our innate ability and desire, as men, to want to conquer.
You see, we need to be spirit-led. We need to be guided by great principles of spiritual value and love, on what we're trying to achieve. Not the macho-ism and not the ego. And that's the difference. When you try and conquer things, people, goals you set—whether it's in your career, your profession—when you try and conquer these things from ego, from macho-ism, you're going to fail. If you try and pursue these things from a valiant attempt in principles of honor and integrity and courage; you'll succeed. And I know that from experience in my life, and I know that from failing many times and making mistakes.
Men need to be willing to weep. Men need to be willing to get in touch with their emotions and their feminine side. Being a man is not denying your femininity as a man. Men have masculinity and women have femininity, but that doesn't mean that a man doesn't have a feminine nature. That doesn't mean that a woman can't tap into certain masculine things, as well. And so men spend all this time, I believe, in wrongness trying to deny some of the feminine attributes of their soul, of their hearts. That's not what you do. What you do is you recognize it and you tap into it.
I can weep very easily and be emotionally impacted by beautiful things, by moving things of love. And I can also be very strong and do what needs to be done to protect myself, to protect my family, and to protect anybody. I can do the things that a man needs to do; sometimes terrible things if I have to. Luckily I don't live that life, but if I had to do something to protect my family, to protect myself or any person from harm, or from evil; I have the capability to do it. Not all men do. Not all men are courageous enough. Not all men are tapped into that love in their heart to do that. I have that in me because I was taught correctly, and I was raised correctly. This circles back to the comment I made a few minutes ago. One of the biggest tragedies of today is the perpetuation of men being raised wrong. Fatherless men, absent fathers, fathers who want to be their children's buddies and their friends instead of their teachers and their fathers.
Fathers are correctors; not buddy pals. Fathers are correctors, fathers guide, fathers clear the mental and spiritual pathway of the future for their son and help guide them where they're to be going, how they should be living. If you're a father of a young boy, you have a responsibility to teach them what it is to be a balanced man. These young men, these little boys—whether they're 5 years old or an infant, or 10 years old or 12 years old, or whatever age they are—if you're a father of a boy, these boys don't suddenly just become men. They don't suddenly just become honorable, respectful...strong, but sensitive and gentle. They don't just become these things. They have to be taught. They have to be guided. They have to be shown the way by example.
Huge tragedy, again, no examples of balanced men on this planet. Men are either very macho and they think they're men because they're macho, but they're actually weak. Or they're actually weak and too feminine. They don't speak in absolutes. They don't speak in decisiveness. They speak like this “and everything's okay, and you know, I'm not going to ruffle any feathers and you just do you, and that's okay.” No, it's not okay. Be a man. Draw the line.
So finding the balance between a weak man and a macho, over father-circuited man who thinks he's being manly….and finding that balance and fusing those two things is indeed “the pursuit”. It’s the pursuit I've been trying, and working on my whole life, adult life as a man. Actually not just my adult life, as a young man...since I became conscious of trying to figure that out, probably 12 years old or younger.
Hey tribe. I'm not done on this topic yet. It's a big one. It's an important one. So I'm going to continue this next week with episode five, which will be part two of my talk on “The Pursuit to balance masculinity. So be sure to tune in next week for the second half of this discussion, which will be episode five.
I’m Amadon DellErba and this is “Get Real or Die Trying”
Nothing you do matters, unless what you do matters.
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"Pain is Temporary. Victory is Eternal."